Only one invitation to go
Extracted from 101 things you should never say to Kevin Jones:
1. I am going to be out of the office tommorow so please do not play tennis with e-mail while I am gone so that I come in on Thursday to 50,000 e-mails!
Because, let's face it, I'm a simple man and that reads too much like a challenge to me.
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Kevin, at 9:30 pm
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Kevin, at 9:31 pm
Wes (Tue): PS - I am going to be out of the office tommorow so please do
not play tennis with e-mail while I am gone so that I come in on Thursday
to 50,000 e-mails!
Kevin (Wed): Anyone for Tennis?
Tris: I serve the ball down the centre line, which passes Kev and takes
out a small child in the front row of the stands. 15-Love.
K: I get aced because I'm too busy laughing at the small child.
T: Now 30-Love, I serve out wide and fast, but Kev manages to clip the
ball, sending it back over the net at a close-to-90-degree angle. I dive
forward, injuring a ball girl, but nevertheless getting the ball back over
the net; alas Kev hits a vicious forehand into the back righthand corner.
30-15.
K: The ball girl is jail bait. Tom tries to kiss her better, but she is
having none of it.
Security chase Tom around centre court, putting Tris off his game enough
that he double faults.
T: I serve fast. The ball clips the net. Let, first serve. This time the
ball spins out from the centre towards the trams. Kev lets loose a
tremendous forehand, which cuts sharp across the face of the umpire, and
bends back into play. I return with a backhand drop shot. It bounces once,
and begins to fall for the second. Tom reappears from the sidelines,
holding the ballgirl in one hand. The umpire calls a let. I ace down the
centre. 40-30.
K: Tris serves wide, and I return with a forehand and an inappropriate
grunt. Tris comes forward to the net and tries to smash it. I have to
dive towards the net to return it. Tris quickly hits the ball to the
other side of the court, it's too far for me to reach (even with another
of those athletic dives) and he gets the point.
Game Smith.
T: Kev to serv, 0-1, first set.
Kev serves striaght down the centre with extreme backspin. The ball kicks
high and I attempt to fast smash it back into court. In the process of
doing so I lose my footing and fall backwards onto a ballgirl. I still
manage to return, and quickly get up, leaving the ballgirl bleeding on the
grass. Kev returns across court, swinging the ball out wide. I dive for
it, miss, and land in a pile of Robinson's bottles underneath the umpire's
chair. 15-Love.
K: I serve down the centre again, hoping to catch Tris out, but he's ready
for it this time. We get a rally going for about 17 minutes.
Tom plays mixed-singles with the ballgirl. The security guard Tom
previously over-powered regains conciousness and calls the police.
The rally ends when Tris attempts to go for a particularly aggressive
backhand and lets go of his tennis-bat mid-swing. It soars high over the
spectator stand and lands in an adjacent court, where a particularly
uninspiring game of doubles is being played. The tennis-stick fractures
the skull of the guy taking his serve, getting a rousing standing ovation
from the crowd.
Back on centre court, Tris attempts to continue playing with just his
hands, but is undone by a lob.
30-Love
T: Kev serves wide, spinning the ball out even wider. I run after it and
swing blindly with my new racket. I catch the ball on the rim sending it
skyrocketing near-vertically upwards. It comes down 15 minutes later after
tea and biscuits at court-side, and Kev miss-hits a smash, blazing it
through the glass of the commentary box. BBC's viewer ratings temporarily
rise. 30-15.
K: I'm just about to ace Tris again -- he's finding the new tennis-paddle
too heavy to wave around -- when it starts raining, and hundreds of
oompa-loompas run across the pitch dragging a sheet of waterproofing
canvas.
Cliff Richard stands up in the stands and begins to wail. The police
arrive, and open fire on Tom, who has holed up on the opposite side of the
court with his ballgirl and Sue Barker. Tom uses Sue as a human shield,
running across to the umpire and releiving him of his standard
Wimbledon-issue fire-arm. He opens fire in at the police and Cliff
Richard is killed in the resulting cross-fire.
Tom flees, ballgirl in hand, and the police pursue. Eventually the rain
stops, and I ace Tris.
40-15.
T: Kev sends the next serve hard and low into the net. His second serve
plops lightly into the middle of the service area. I run up confidently
and slice a backhand into the back right corner, but Kev's already there
and lobs towards the back of the court. I run back, but accidentally trip
over Cliff Richard's corpse, which the oompa-loompas were too weak to
remove. I stagger head-first into a ballgirl, breaking her left arm in
sixteen places. I also miss the ball.
Game Jones.
1 game all.
K: Coverage switches to BBC Two to make way for Neighbours and the news.
By the time coverage switches back to BBC One, the seventh game is just
finishing.
Kevin, having broken Tris' serve twice, now leads 5 games to 2. Sue
Barker has been given a proper Christian burial. Tom has been sentenced
to life imprisonment with no chance of parole. Wesley has arrived to
watch the rest of the match, having being caught up in a unusually large
queue for strawberries and cream. Tris has seriously injured another
seven ball girls and boys.
By
Kevin, at 9:40 pm
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